rum_runner

09:15 pm: so how do i let myself get into this? how do i let my emotions get the best of me? why do i always build myself up only to be let down? I do this every fucking time. and im tired of it. I sometimes wish that i wasnt the person that i am at all. i wish that i was good looking, or even had a chance with the girls that i want. i dont want to be the guy who is "too good of friends to go out with" or the guy who every girl wishs that they had a boyfriend just like me...but that is not me.
before i passed out the other night, i saw the one who i wanted. i saw her kiss one of my friends. then i closed my eyes and let out a single tear. im tired of this. im tired of getting run over by my emotions as if they are a steamroller and i am standing in front of it. im sick of it. im sick of waiting my turn.
so what if "the one" is out there. im sure she is. will i ever find her? maybe. but i dont know. i guess all i can do is keep looking.
maybe my problem is that i dont try hard enough. or maybe i dont try at all.
i know i have friends and family who love me to death and who would die for me if they had to, but i want someone for my own. i know this may sound selfish, but i dont care. im tired of watching everyone else have girlfriends.

07:10 pm: I was standing in front a mirror, and i started to think. I have been losing a lot of friends lately, and it is getting everyone down. What would everyone do if i just died? Who would feel sorry? Who would want me back? Who would cry? Who would come to my funieral? Who would be glad that i was gone? Who would care at all?
We all hope that no one would be glad that we are gone. We all hope that soneone would miss us. I hope that someone would miss me.
I try so hard just to reach out and touch everyone i can. I want to be a part of everyones life. I want to be remembered as the kid who was happiest, the most caring, the most energetic, the best. I dont want to die and have everyone remember me as this kid that never wanted to do anything. I do not want to get to the end of my life and regret things that i have done or that i wanted to do, but never got around to it.
I dont want to die. I am so scared of dying. It is hard to think of your life as it is now, and then think about it when you are dead. Everything that you have ever done would not matter. Standing next to your best friends would be over. Parties, drinking, having a great time would not matter. Nothing would matter. So this is why i always try to make a difference, no matter how big or small it is. I want to make a lasting impression on this lifetime. I want to make a dent on this earth. I do not want anyone to forget me when i am gone.
Life is so unpredictable. It can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. Hold on to everything you have, becuase you dont know how long it will last.

09:40 pm: so i got a new haircut. and so far everyone says i look older except for justin. oh well.

i told bri that i was moving to florida. haha.

09:23 pm: Girls
I hate being such a nice guy. I can never get a girl. Im the guy that girls want as there friends, not in a relationship with. What the fuck is wrong with me? I cant help being such a nice guy. It is who i am, and no one can change who i am, except me. I think im going to start being an asshole to girls. Girls seem to like assholes. I have no clue why. All they want to do is get some ass and leave. They only break girls hearts. I could never break a girls heart. My will break first. It would shatter like glass hitting concrete at 80 miles an hour. But i dont want my heart to break. And i dont want to break anyone elses. I dont want just sex. I want someone i can hold. Someone i can look into their eyes and see the stars, see something truely bueatiful for who they are. I want someone that i can love. Love...the worst word of all, and yet people throw it around like a major league pitcher in the world series. Its funny isnt it? How a simple 4 letter word has the power to bring people together and make them happy;and the power to tear them apart, throw them down and smear there guts against the pavement. The truth is that i dont want to ever hurt anyone. I just want someone...